And to think we could have missed all this...
Never in our wildest dreams could any one of us ever imagined the blessing that our special needs adoption would have been to our family. God immeasurably blessed us in April of 2007 with a daughter from China.
The process up until that day had been challenging - far beyond what any article, book or class could have possibly prepared us for. From the moment we took that leap of faith to begin our adoption journey, we dove into a season of massive paperwork, unpredictable turns, and aching prayers of desperation for the Lord to move mountains to bring our tiny princess home.
From the instant our eyes saw her referral picture, Bill and I claimed her as our cherished daughter. Within seconds of Kelly and Karly seeing the same, they were giggly, thrilled and already falling in love with their long awaited Mei-Mei, their baby sister. In that moment, her story - and her Dad's, Mom's and Sisters' - changed. She was ours. She was a Nolan.
It would be four long months of waiting for permission to travel. Across the ocean, there she was. And she had no idea that she had been chosen.
In her little world, her identity was stuck - orphan. Her story was what it had always been - abandoned. Even her last name was the name of the orphanage - intended to mark her for life.
And then a miracle. A moment designed by God. A day that He had marked before the foundations of the world. I finally held her and whispered, "I'm your Mommy. I love you. And you have a Daddy, and two sisters who are gonna love you with all they've got. And we're never gonna stop loving you - never. And, Sweetie, Jesus - Jesus loves you. He loves you so, so much."
She had only ever heard Mandarin and Cantonese. Me? Just English.
But God's love ? It's universal. God's Presence? It's undeniable.
God met us there.
It would be so nice and sweet to insert a sentence or two here about how she immediately felt safe and secure... and how the rest of our time in China was all one big hunkin' ball o' togetherness.
But that wouldn't be real.
Not even close to real, in fact.
Stacy (my dear friend and travel companion) and I just held onto our underweight little girl of 2 years, 7 months. We saw agony that no small child should ever know. For the next several days, the moments our Kourtny spent staring blankly, weeping bitterly or screaming in sheer terror were far too many to count. I’m sure I walked miles around the hotel grounds singing worship songs (doesn’t everybody do that in China?) above her wailing, and speaking the promises of God over her spirit like a true pentecostal. There were so many people praying for us back home, and new friends in our travel group were storming Heaven on her behalf.
Again and again, I whispered the Name of Jesus in her ear, believing in the Power of His Name.
Her identity had changed from orphan to chosen, from forgotten to cherished, and from cast-off to held forever.
Yet, in her little mind, she was kidnapped by strange-looking people who seemed obsessed with shopping for little girls clothes... who lived in one small white room, speaking a really weird language... even forcing her to use a western potty. And nothing could be scarier than the potties these people used. Nothing.
She had no way of seeing the bigger picture... that this was for her good... that what seemed unbearable today would actually be what her tiny heart had actually ached for.
The Word of God says, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning," and "He turns our mourning into gladness." and He gives us "comfort and joy instead of sorrow."
It's a Divine exchange...
His light for our darkness.
His hope for our despair.
His Presence for our loneliness.
He gives us beauty for ashes.
In Psalm 34 we declare with the psalmist, "He delivered me from all my fears."
Have you met Kourtny Nicole Nolan?
That truly is her story.
Talk about deliverance from all her fear! Can I get an witness? Can I?
Bill, Kelly, Karly and I have watched Resurrection Power literally transform our princess before our very eyes. To the glory of God, she has come into her full identity as a member of our family, and far more importantly, the family of God.
Her nickname in our home is "Lil Spunk." And she lives it out loud, my friends. We can't imagine our lives without her tender silliness, and giggling ...and beginning EVERY prayer at mealtime with, "Thank You, God, for this wonderful day and..." Our days are splashed with hula hooping, tiny girl gymnastics, singing country music at the top of our lungs, (a few dear friends are cringing big time right about now), spending way too much on hair pretties, prancing around in "high-heel" shoes, tap shoes on our tile (now that's a great sound) reading princess stories again and again, getting into "big, bad" trouble with her sisters at bedtime, and cuddling ever-so-sweetly with her Daddy.
Catch the line from When Love Takes You In:
"And like the rain that falls into the sea...
In a moment, what has been is lost in what will be."
That word picture captures the story of adoption. What has been is lost... the unspeakable loneliness, the bottomless ache, and the excruciating certainty that tomorrow will be no better than today.
Gone forever... replaced by the joy of belonging...
The most frequent comment we hear regarding our adoption is, "what a lucky girl she is!" Bill and I always respond in the same way. We have been the ones who have been blessed beyond words.
Our whole family intuitively became softer, kinder, and a whole lot more affectionate. We have had the privilege of watching Kelly and Karly become amazingly gentle, caring, compassionate, patient and nurturing.
God created in those big sisters hearts large enough to kiss and cuddle and tickle Kourtny's aches away. Their commitment to her wholeness took me to my knees in gratitude before God time and time again.
I watched my husband, who had been so burdened by all the things that incredible Dad's should be thinking and praying about. (our finances... the special needs of our new daughter... will she bond with us? how will Kel and Kar be affected? ... our age... we really don't have the energy we used to, Lord knows...)
In an instant, Bill fell absolutely, positively in love all over again. From the very moment he picked her up in the airport, for a moment, the rest of the world faded away. There was nothing but the embrace between them. She had a Daddy. And that changes everything, you know.
Adoption has caused everything I have ever read in the Word of God to magnificently crash in on me.
It is the picture of God's love for each of us.
Embraced. Loved. Chosen. Cherished.
What has been is lost in what will be.
And what will be, because of Christ, is a life lived in indomitable hope.
Today our family is committed to the cause of orphans. God has whispered in our hearts a burden for the children of Guatemala. At this time, adoptions are not being processed there and it is unclear if and when they will reopen. We are praying that someday soon a miracle will happen, and once again children from Guatemala can be joined to forever families.
And then we will have six chairs at the table.
Because there's always room for one more.
